If you would like to publish your
story or experiences about being an avoidant person suffering with social
anxieties, Click here.
**
Click Here to Read More
Personal Stories **
*******************************************************************************
Name: Eliana
State: USA
Story:
I have always known, from very young, that I was different from other
people. I have felt I was looking at life from the outside, and not really
wanting to do anything to participate in it, rather just being happy to
observe (as long as no one caught me looking).
I am now 51 years old, and it is only recently that I have finally begun to
realize that what I have is AvPD and not just "introversion."
When invited to a party or meeting where there will be people I don't know,
or even a group I don't know very well, I get a stomach ache, high anxiety,
and will do or say anything to get out of going.
I have changed careers a lot, because I always worried so much what others
were thinking of me. If I felt I had disappointed my boss, then I would look
for another job, even though this perception was usually in my head and not
his. I have never taken part in the "parties or potlucks" at work,
preferring instead to sit out in the front office to answer the phones so
others could enjoy the Christmas party or whatever. Now I am not working and
I love not having to face the office of people every day.
I do ok with one on one relationships. I have one best friend for the last
thirty years, but have a hard time letting anyone into my life enough to
make more. If I feel someone is interesting, I will pursue the relationship
until I feel they are pushing to get too close (calling often, dropping by
unexpectedly) etc, and then I break it off or stop answering the phone or
the door until they go away.
I am married and have children, but married a man much like myself. He's not
"social" either. I think I would have stayed single except for the struggle
it was to support myself. Marrying made it possible for me to stay at home,
which I do as much as possible. I leave the house only when necessary, and
usually with him, not alone. I can go out in crowds in shopping centers, as
long as I don't have to make small talk with people.
I have alienated myself from my biological family, and have always felt like
the black sheep, although I did nothing to deserve that that I can ever
recall. I was just different from them.
I am happiest when I can be at home alone, reading, or writing. I am very
creative.
I have a fantasy of a life where I can have a regular check coming in, be
able to live totally alone, never have to leave my house, and be able to
live totally as a recluse. Only then do I think I could totally relax. My
children are all grown, and only one has this problem, but not to the degree
that I do. She seems stronger and can push through the fear better than I
can.
I have experienced depression, but I don't feel depressed now. I am just so
much more comfortable isolating myself than living in a world with other
people.
I also like my surroundings to be completely under my control. I like my
rooms free of clutter and very organized. I rarely go outside to work in the
yard or whatever. I have lived in the same home for many, many years but
know none of my neighbors.
Next Story
**
Click Here to Read
More Personal Stories **
|