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Name: Dave
State: Canada
Date: Saturday September 08, 2007
Time: 12:18:55 AM -0500
Story:
My name is Dave and I am 18. I have recently been diagnosed with avoidant
personality disorder and I am somewhat thankful that I have realized it this
soon (although I keep beating myself up and blaming my parents for not
realizing it at earlier stages of my life) I have always been viewed as a
'wuss', and rightly so. For as long as I remember I have always felt
extremely scared and inhibited in any new situation involving people.
Whether it was swimming lessons when I was younger, to the first day of high
school, I have always felt terribly uncomfortable in social and public
situations. I have always felt inferior to every human being on this
planet, even though I am very attractive, quite bright, athletically
talented, and good hearted. I have constant self defeating thoughts when
around other people such as "I must look awkward" or "I'm no good" to more
paranoid thoughts such as "WHY is everyone looking at me" "why are people
saying things about me" "why are they laughing at me". These particular
thoughts would always run through my scrambled mind every time I would walk
through the halls of my high school. My self esteem is so god damn low, I
have never been able to take a compliment or even internalize the fact that
I'm good looking. Girls have always been interested in me, and since grade
5 I have done very well to reject them and push them away, not even giving
them or myself a chance to get to know each other. I think the fact that my
dad has asperger's has a lot to do with my low self esteem, poor self image,
and deep belief that I am socially inept. We have never had a normal
relationship, I feel like I'm more mature than him, I have a deep hatred for
him and all of his controlling and manipulative ways he has parented me.
Unfortunately, I never learned how to behave like a guy by looking up to a
father figure, so I was smothered with too much love and attention from my
mom. She, along side my dad ( who I now think of as her third rotten
annoying stubborn man-child) spoiled and gave into me when I felt most
fearful and anxious as a boy. They would get me out of having to do
particular activates in every walk of life that I thought would prove
embarrassing. I've always been deathly afraid of failure and have never
been much of a risk taker. this has proved costly for me as I have avoided
so many trivial events that I probably wouldn't have failed anyway. I have
been with a girl once.. a few years ago. and ended the relationship after 1
night, pushing her away, afraid to let her know the real me, the me that I
hate, the me I think is weak, broken, socially unequipped, unworthy,
inferior, inadequate, awkward etc. I have refrained from normal teenage
activities such as dating and hanging with friends, I have preferred to keep
all of this at a distance, keeping me safe from embarrassment, rejection,
and I truly believe that avoidants are afraid of succeeding also in social
relationships. Because we are good people, the thing is...if we attract
someone and let them in to our lives....we have to put ourselves out there
and COMMIT! We prefer to keep intimate relationships at a distance...the
safe way to do it. I also believe that if avoidants had healthy social
lives, we would be the best kind of people on this planet, we are truly good
people. with so much stored up fear and pain that we just don't let anyone
in, and it's a shame. Well that's a bit a bout me hope you can relate.
CHeers.
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