Featured books

Distancing: Avoidant Personality Disorder

Disorders of Personality: DSM and Beyond, 2nd edition

Dialectical Behavior Therapy in Clinical Practice

Mindfulness and Acceptance

Transforming Anxiety, Transcending Shame

A Guide to Rational Living

Party of One

The Highly Sensitive Person

The Introvert Advantage

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If you would like to publish your story or experiences about being an avoidant person suffering with social anxieties, Click here.

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Name:     Elise
State:       TN

Story:

I don't know where to begin in all of this.  I found this website by accident trying to find a disorder that would fit my sister-in-law. Little did I know that I would be throwing up after reading all the characteristics of an avoidant personality because I had never seen all of my characteristics in a row like that with disorder in the title.

I've always felt different from everybody else. I have always analyzed what people are saying looking for any hint of ulterior motive. I am very good at reading body language and can detect the slightest changes in pitch that can tell me if people are bored, annoyed or noticing that I am nervous. I have always wanted to be one of those people who seemed comfortable talking to anyone. Unless I feel like I look good on the outside, I am insecure that people are looking at my flaws. 

I have always been shy, my face flushes when I talk which makes me feel even more nervous because it's like a bulls eye saying that I am uncomfortable. Do they think I'm fat or ugly am I boring or do they even care what comes out of my mouth at all. I wonder if my breath stinks, or if my face is too oily and so on and that I'm a big joke and everyone knows it but me. Is that extreme insecurity or what? I have always admired people with deformities or strange facial features who have awesome personalities and don't seem to be bothered by appearance.

I read that avoidants are hyper vigilant to their surroundings. I have always done this. I watch and listen very well to other people's conversations to get a hint of what their personalities are. And then I deem them safe or not. If they talk lowly of people often or gossip too much or make fun of people then I scratch them off my list because I figure that one day it will be me they laugh at with someone else. I am a loyal friend, if you make it past this huge wall then there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for you short of help you bury a body.

If someone tells me I look good  and I've heard her talk ugly about others I chalk up her comments to being fake because I know how she really thinks. I always thought it was good common sense to know who was safe and who is not. But my list of who is not is getting shorter. Am I the crazy one? I always thought it was a good thing that I was cautious and observant but at 30 years old I feel like I should be more comfortable with more people. I feel like there should be more life in my life. I am always pleasant always kind, it's not a put on. I never do or say anything that might hurt anyone's feelings or make people mad at me. If I am pushed to the point of anger I can't handle my own emotions and seethe in it internally until I have closure of some sort.

I once read a proverb that said "If you view the world as hostile then you will react to it that way." Only prayer gets me through the things that really bother me. God gives strength. I figure he doesn't make mistakes and he made me so there must be a reason I feel this way. My grandma always said that I was God's light. Maybe it's because I not only recognize the bad qualities in people but also the fragile and the hurting and the loneliness that most people don't see. Those are the people that I surround myself with because they are real to me. Mean people only exist for their own amusement. One day when I'm old and gray. I will look back and the answer will smack me in the face.

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