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Name: Dan
State: MN
Story:
Hi Everyone,
I am avoidant too.
I have all the hallmarks these people described. The fear in certain social
situations like parties, meetings at work, and meeting new people that I
want them to like me. I have had horrible grade school experiences
involving rejection and fear. School was hell for me. If you can’t make
friends easily, are afraid of what people think, the peer pressure of school
is almost an out of body, type painful experience.
People must think I am really odd at these times – when I can’t talk, or
talk like I have a cold because I am nervous. My face blushes up and stays
tight for long periods when people talk to me. I freeze up.
I constantly think about what people think of me when I should be thinking
of a problem that is being discussed.
I am also hypersensitive to criticism. This has gotten much better over the
years, but it is still work to not tear up when people are telling me what I
need to hear.
The one thing I would like to add, is that I am now 40 years old, and I have
learned coping skills. While I am not Joe Campus at parties, I am successful
and confident that I can do good things in the world. God takes good care
of me.
Here are some habits that seem to help me do well in this world.
Be positive. Many years ago I took a short course of wellbuterin to quit
smoking and reduce depression that I was self-medicating by smoking. After
doing this, I started to see – and feel – that other people naturally feel
good about themselves. It was a bit of a surprise at the time. They are not
as introspective, self-aware, or depressed as I was. I learned that I could
do this too. While the depressing thoughts may come, based on the fear I
felt from social situations, I could fight them off by telling myself that
my wife loved me, my parents loved me and I wanted to contribute what I
could to the world. This ability to control my depression, gave me hope I
will survive the self-hatred I felt after botched social situations.
Essentially, I would not die from my social fears. Sometimes it was quite a
mental fight. I decided that I had to tell myself that I loved me. The
feelings followed the thoughts. It took months frankly, but years later, I
know it worked. I am a more positive person. The habits are broken. It
seems like I am a different person. (However, I do have to stay vigilant
and fight off the ghosts.)
(Like all of you, I also did not like going to the psychologist. It was
almost physical pain to disclose my feelings. I quit going as soon as I
could so I could do it on my own. This worked for me, but I expect a longer
commitment may have saved me some trouble. She never said I was APD. I
figured this out on my own. I wish she had. )
Compliment others. Now I work to be positive. I compliment people at work
all the time. I praise them for just doing their jobs. I thank people
publically. All of this rubs off on me. I feel better.
Like yourself. Being positive has really helped with the social
situations. If I feel good about myself, and confident, my APD is less
likely to rise up and knock me down. I like to over prepare to reduce my
fears.
Thankfulness. I have become more religious and pray frequently. Praising
and thanking God for my wife, kids, house, job, church – for the body I have
even with my fears has really helped. God must have a reason for me to have
my problems and he can use them for His purposes. Got to believe that.
Take care of myself. I still struggle sometimes. I still need some alone
time to recharge. Sometimes I find helping other people makes me feel
better than being alone. Kind of forcing myself to be social and overcome
my fears. But I am doing good. As I often tell myself, God takes good care
of me.
Step outside of comfort zone. Being on a community board and working on
projects with a group of people pulls me out of my fears. It often starts
hard and uncomfortable, but eventually moves towards confidence with a few
small successes. A little success makes me feel better. I find that some
people like me. I can help other people too. Challenge the fear.
People value my ideas. I need to remind myself of this sometimes at work.
I get invited to meetings so people can hear my opinion. They want my
participation. Even if I turn out to be wrong, I need to tell people what I
think and join the discussion. Very important to respect myself and others
by telling people an idea that may help make a better group plan or
project. People value me or they would not have me around.
Over prepare. I over prepare to reduce stress. You can reduce stress by
preparing power points etc. This really helps since I can forget about
myself and own the topic.
Find Community. I joined a small church, a really open and accepting one.
By committing to a group of people, I feel more success in relationships.
People like me. When this is matched with the praising and giving to other
people, my confidence grows.
Find a friend. My wife is my friend. She is very supportive and part of
confidence that has made me who I am. I don’t have drinking buddies, just
work friends. I have friends at church, but I don’t have a lot of personal
disclosure there. I can do better in this area. I stay very busy with
work, exercise, to fill my time. I may be avoiding close relationships
here. Something to improve upon.
Celebrate success. I have found success in managing my APD. I hope this
encourages other people. I really like reading these stories to be able to
put a name to this hypersensitive problem and see how other people handle
it. I could list off most painful situations, but I prefer to celebrate
success and give people more hope and positive support.
Opportunities from this challenge. We also need to look at the good side to
this. I am more empathetic. I know the world is not a simple place. I can
talk about mission and vision and “get it”. I would not be the person I am
without it. God made me this way so there must be good parts to it.
Good luck and God bless you.
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