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Name: Aral
State: New Zealand
Story:
Hi. I'm a under 20 year old girl from NZ, and I have no idea if I have AvPD.
I have many symptoms of it, but I'm still not sure. I feel socially
inadequate, and I can't socialize like a normal teenager. I'm disgustingly
shy; at family gatherings I hang out in corners and try to avoid my cousins
and uncles and aunties, even my own parents, for the fear of them finding me
not good enough drives me away. Even the fear of them thinking I'm not good
enough for not being confident and talking to them can't make me go out
there and talk. If they try to talk to me I smile and laugh politely, and
have a good sense of humor so they won't be that disappointed in me. I can't
even eat in front of them, the feeling of them thinking I'm disgusting or
doing something embarrassing stops me, and even if I'm hungry the feeling
stops me being so. I want them to think good of me, but it's so hard trying
to make myself good enough. I can't talk about what I like, like art and the
books I like to read and the type of music I love, because I'm certain they
won't like it and because of that they won't like me.
And it's not just my family. I can't go out to the mall, or some shops, not
even the supermarket because then I'll have to deal with people and I'm
basically almost sure they'll think I'm ugly and just not good enough and
they won't like me. I know it's stupid and I tell myself over and over again
that if they don't like me, well then it's their loss and they have no
reason not to like me, but it doesn't help. I can't ask for help in shops
because I'm too anxious, so all I do is hang around and look like an idiot.
I have friends, yes, but they're only really acquaintances and I only have
two real friends, one is so socially inadequate because of her personality
that I knew that she wouldn't shun me, and that's the only reason why we're
friends, even if we do have kind of similar interests, and the other was the
one to engage the friendship. It's so hard to make friends for me, because
if they say or imply that they don't like me even a tiny little bit, up goes
my walls and my mask of good humor comes on and bam! they've been distanced
and I'm okay, they haven't ridiculed me but oh dear they're sure to not like
me anymore...
I try so hard to please strangers, that I totally forget about my family.
Then I feel selfish and horrified at myself (after all, they're my FAMILY),
but I'm too shy to say anything to correct myself because they might think
its stupid or something along those lines. I can't even say my opinion any
more, I can't even remember when I could, if I ever did at all, and I always
go with the other person. I always try to please the other person. I can't
put my hand up in class because I might get it wrong and everybody will
think I'm an idiot, so I just stay quiet and then nobody knows about me, but
I want them to know about me and like me but I can't make them like me
because I'm too disgustingly shy!
I know I have low self-esteem, and afraid of showing my feelings or talents
for the fear of other people not liking them and thinking bad of me and that
I'm stupid and everything. I don't show much affection because I'm afraid
I'll say something wrong and make a fool out of myself. I can't tell anybody
about me thinking I might have AvPD because they might think I'm just doing
it for attention and that I'm just a stupid, selfish teenager that's gotten
bored and wants somebody to fawn over them. It was even hard to post this,
knowing that I'm still so young and that people will think I'm stupid
because I'm young and probably just being a paranoid teen with a temporary
social deficiency. But for as long as I can remember I've been like this and
it's just so hard. I know people think I'm weird but I can't do anything
about it; I'm just too scared.
There is so much more that I want to say, and share, but I'm getting tired
and I'll probably post more later, like how I came across this site, how I
feel, so many things I wish I could do or say but I'm too afraid to, and so
many more things that scare me to tears. I just hope somebody is reading
this and kind of understanding what I'm feeling and not feeling too bored.
Gosh, I just want to explain myself but it's just so hard... I apologize for
my vagueness, but this is such progress for me, sharing this much, without
much help... Yikes, I sound so ignorant and selfish... I'm sorry. I'm sorry
for my rant and anything that may offend you.
Until later, I guess.
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