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Name: Charles
State: Texas/USA
Story:
I'm 45 years old. I have never had an intimate relationship of any kind.
It's my deep dark secret. Although I am a healthy man, I have never had a
girlfriend, although I have always found women enchanting and attractive. I
have never been kissed, held hands or anything else. In college I wondered
if I was invisible and began to read about philosophies that explain the
world as an extension of our own mind. Am I alone here? I can't accept that.
I do wonder how in retrospect I could have over all these years never really
been "there" - was it me or them?
I retreated into my own mind. I studied very hard, focusing my energy on
developing my mind. Instead of going out, being sociable, I spent most of my
time in libraries, bookstores and at work. I allowed myself to gain a lot of
weight, stopped exercising since I didn't really think there was a point to
it. I stayed in my mother's home until I was 33, when I left for graduate
school. I have one friend (male) from that time but we have lost touch
recently.
I have a technical job writing programs. I hardly ever speak to anyone,
since I really don't need to. I am actually wondering right now why I'm
writing this. Who is really going to be interested? I guess I do have some
shred of hope left but it's dying. I am currently reading about my disorder
to try to gain some insight. I'm good at acquiring, digesting and processing
information. So I've decided to try to use that strength in this process.
I think it might all boil down to some unresolved childhood experiences. I
was in a "broken" home - "dad" whom I never knew, left home when I was 3
weeks old. My mother was beaten by this guy. What struck me later on is when
he would send child support payments (he rarely did) it was like $5.08 or
some ridiculous amount that was an insult in itself. So there was a
recurring abandonment going on. I thought all this was my fault - I can't
say that it was explicitly blamed on me but I was a convenient scapegoat for
it perhaps. Soon before my "dad" left, I was taken for a DPT shot and it
caused a rather severe reaction affecting my skin tone. I was covered in a
kind of red raised bumps that never have gone away. All I can say is that
people's reaction to me was one of immediate rejection since I looked like I
had the measles really bad, but of course it wasn't. I can now see that as a
tremendous influence on how I view other people.
My recovery process has not utilized any professional therapy. I'm trying to
work it out by myself but I am making some slow progress. I have lost a
tremendous amount of weight which has improved things for me, perhaps
confirming that "it's what you look like that matters" - slightly
discouraging but realistic I suppose. I am interested in a young woman that
I used to work with and she has given me some confusing mixed signals. I am
wondering if I am the one that is confused here and it's just another case
of a woman who couldn't care less. I don't have the courage to ask her what
she thinks. It's not manly to do that sort of thing. So I'm trying online
dating with very little success. Three dates, none resulted in second dates.
We have all lost contact. I'm just reading more and more to see what can be
done.
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