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Name: Katy
State: United States
Story:
I am a young female from the United States. I had a normal childhood growing
up. I seemed like an almost normal child except for the fact that I would
never sleep in any other place other than my room at home. I never liked
going over to other children's homes because their strange houses and their
parents made me nervous. I remember thinking I was all alone in this world
and that none of the other children liked me. I was in fifth grade when I
this thought occurred to me.
I feel that there is no way for me to connect with others and no way for
me to be friends with anyone. People with APD are usually loners and rarely
marry. This is a fact that frightens me very much. I want to have a deep
connection with another person, I want to love someone and I want to be
loved.
I dropped out of high school because being around so many strangers caused
me too much anxiety to bare. I dropped out and opted to get my GED instead.
I love to learn and read and I've always made good grades and have always
been considered to be mature and very intelligent for my age, but school was
still too difficult to handle. Being labeled as a dropout brings me great
shame and sadness.
I don't have any friends or a romantic relationship with anyone. I never
had any friends in high school. Teenagers are typically social creatures
that like to spend lots of time with others and enjoy parties and such. I'd
rather spend my time by myself than endure a social gathering. I don't think
I'll ever be able to make friends. I never get to know people unless I'm
forced to do so. Warming up to strangers is difficult for me. It takes me a
very long time in order to be comfortable around a newcomer.
The problems Avoidant Personality Disorder have caused me:
I cannot talk to strangers. When new people try to talk to me I get very
nervous and will reply with quick one word answers. People have actually
mistaken me for a mute before because I am just so quiet and strange.
I have this voice in my head that is constantly telling me that I'm ugly,
stupid, socially unappealing, or that the only reason other people even talk
to me is because they have ulterior motives or because they feel sorry for
me because I'm so pathetic. I sometimes feel that the only reason my family
even wants anything to do with me is because they feel that they have to be
around me because we're related. I'm always suspicious of other people's
hidden motives. My mother cannot simply come up to me and give me a hug for
no reason or randomly tell me that she loves me. I get upset and obsess over
why she might be doing these things because for some reason in my head I
feel that she's lying to me and that it's impossible for anyone to actually
love me.
I have a constant feeling of shame and embarrassment. When I first saw a
doctor about my problems I was terrified of him. I thought he could get into
my head and see what a terrible person I was.
I have no one to talk to about my problems. I can't talk to my family
because I'm afraid that if they see how screwed up I am they'll reject me or
else they won't believe me and think that I'm a liar.
I get very attached to the people that I love, even though I think that the
feelings aren't mutual. When I do become close to someone I'm fiercely
protective of them and will always be there when they need me. I made one
friend when I was five years old and we remained friends until we were 15.
She just stopped talking to me one day and wouldn't return my phone calls.
It completely destroyed my already low self-esteem and confidence. I still
haven't figured out why she hates me now. I think she was embarrassed to be
associated with a person like me. This practically confirmed my suspicion
that I was inferior and that no one really likes me.
I'm a highly secretive person. I have locks on all of the drawers in my
dresser, I have a huge lock box in my room that I use to store important
items. I hide my laptop in weird places because I'm afraid that someone will
sneak into my room and read my e-mail and look at all of the personal things
I have stored on there. I constantly write things down in journals and
notebooks. I hide these journals too because I'm afraid someone will read
them and be privy to all of my secret thoughts. I also hide my cell phone.
I'm not sure why, but it upsets me to think about someone looking at it when
I'm not around. If I have something important or personal I will hide it or
lock it up tight. I hide my wallet and my purse. I hide money too. Sometimes
I find cash in weird places because I hid it there a long time ago and
forgot about it. All of the keys to the locks in my room are hidden in
random places.
I've never met anyone who has avoidant personality disorder, but I would
like to. I think it'd be easier to open up to them. We'd be supportive of
each other and we'd always know what kind of support and reassurance the
other needed.
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