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Name: Steve
State: England
Story:
I am a 36 year old male living in Staffordshire in England.
I am a loner with no close friends and a very strained relationship with my
parents. I am also homosexual and currently have no relationship although I
have tried to have them in the past, they have all failed.
My story of isolation began at an early age for me, I have an extremely
overbearing father whose constant changes of job meant that we (the family)
were never settled in any one part of the country for more than a few years
at a time. I was sent to several schools in various parts of the country. I
seemed always to never 'fit in' at any of the schools I attended and was
always the butt of the other kids jokes and ridicule. My father always
dressed me in clothes that invited derision and was never seen as trendy.
I used to dread P.E. (Physical Education) as I was seen as a joke who was
useless at any sport. I was bullied and my life made a misery.
I prefered to stay in and was always fearful if out of doors that I would be
bullied if seen by the kids from school.
As I got older, I would prefer not to join any clubs or societies, but
preferred to go for rides on my pushbike on my own.
I left school at 16 and went to college, again, I had very few friends and
was seen as a 'prat' by other students. I just seemed to lack the knowledge
of how to get on with them or be 'cool'.
I got a job at McDonalds part time, but preferred to work backroom than be
out on the lobby clearing tables. I hated doing trash walks in the shopping
mall as yobs used to taunt me and laugh at me.
I left McDonalds and got a job picking orders in a catalogue shop, but was
dismissed after a month with the reason being that my 'face didn't fit '.
After leaving Education at 22, I got a job as a pool table valet for an
amusement machine company, but problems soon began to show here, as I was
uneasy about going in public bars. If the bar was closed, there was no
problem and I liked the job. However, if I was faced with having to go into
a bar when it was open and there were customers in, I would be anxious and
feel that I was being stared at and ridiculed. I have been in trouble with
this company not for my standard of work, but for my communication skills
and not being able to get on with other people, especially those who
criticized me.
At this time, I was also experimenting with my sexuality, but I was always
uneasy about going to a gay bar to meet people. I tended to be very critical
and cold toward other guys and became well known for being stand offish and
mis-trusting. I tried to have several relationships, but they all failed - I
seem incapable of loving, and do not like being physically touched or being
got close to.
My only remaining friend left me a few weeks ago, he was an ex boyfriend,
who carried on living with me for a couple of years after the relationship
died off. He found someone else and I was very upset when he left as he was
all I had, but he had had enough of my difficult personality. He was
introverted as well and that is probably why we got on as friends for 5
years.
I began to develop an interest in fetishism in my mid 20's and by the age of
36, I now regard myself as a sexual deviant, as I am unable to form a proper
relationship due to feelings of low self esteem and self criticism.
I have had many encounters with psychiatrists and have been on many
different types of medication, as I suffer from depression and anxiety. I
have also put on a lot of weight (now 20stone ) which causes me more worry
about going out for fear of people staring. I am currently on Seroxat
(Paxil) which I find has been the best of the SSRI drugs I have tried. Even
so, I still have an aversion to going out and feel very tense about going to
the shops.
As time has gone by, I have lost all my friends many considering me very
eccentric and unloving.
I am still working at the same employer I started at 13 years ago, but I
have had to come off the road due to my severe anxiety about working in
public places. I now work in a depot mainly on my own doing pool table
refurbishment. The other staff at the depot tend not to like me as I just do
not seem to gel with them and prefer to do things by myself without asking
for their help. I seem to have no motivation to better myself, and with the
threat of redundancy looming, I don't know what I am going to do for a new
job.
Outside work, I prefer to stay in and avoid talking with the neighbors. Yes
I do feel lonely, but I just feel unable any more to go out and find new
friends, as so many times before, I am just not able to maintain
friendships. I feel now that my age is showing and do not like the image
that I see when I look in the mirror. I was good looking when I was younger,
and liked my own reflection, but now feel that if I don't like myself, how
can I expect any one else to.
I tend to feel not bothered about anyone else, let down by society and try
my hardest to keep away from other people - staying in my house with blinds
drawn, trapped in my own little world - a world of emptiness and depression.
I have attempted overdosing before, but this failed, and many times, even on
anti-depressants, I have feelings of doom and failure, even death.
I would say that I have Schizoid personality more than avoidant personality,
but the two seem to intermingle in many ways, and both are just as deadly.
That's my account, thanks for reading.
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