If you would like to publish your story
or experiences about being an avoidant person suffering with social
anxieties, Click here.
**
Click Here to Read More
Personal Stories **
Name: Alison
State: England
Story:
I am a forty year old woman who is a lonely loner. I have never felt that I
fitted in with people; I was bullied at my schools, had few friends and was
painfully shy and sensitive. I always felt I was "different" from the rest
of society and for years even in a crowded room or at a "rare" party - I
felt as lonely like I was in the snowy wastes of the Arctic Circle.
In the end I didn't like socializing with people - I felt it too much of a
risk for myself in terms of being the centre of embarrassment and ridicule.
I don't like "small talk" for fear of being labeled "boring" and in those
situations I could never think of anything intelligent to say - or if I did
- people couldn't hear me, stare at me and I always thought they were
listening and watching how I spoke. I was labeled "posh" and "snobby" for a
long time, but quite frankly it was fear, anxiety and extreme
shyness/sensitiveness. I craved to be part of a gang at school and be
accepted by everyone. It didn't work out like that, of course, and I was
often lonely and/or teased in the playground.
It got so that I always refused to go and socialize in the pub during the
lunch breaks or after work. To make matters worse, I was suffering from an
eating disorder and preferred to exercise by myself and had my own set
routine for walking/working out. That of course, isolated me further as I
was inflexible; had to make allowances for the anorexia and its control over
me. I am now over the anorexia but still have elements of the ED that
perhaps will never go away. I still have my routine of exercise although it
has moderated over the years; have a healthy diet and watch my weight; I'm
thin but not scarily so like I was in the 90's. In fact, I find food more
of a friend than people - it is and was something I could control in my
life. I basically sleep, eat, and go to work - hardly any friends - two
friends but I rarely see much of them. It is painful and sad that I long
for a close relationship with another person - a man and/or woman. I get
upset privately, when I see people go out together, laugh and talk
comfortably like they hadn't a care in the world. I get so annoyed when I
even see plain unattractive woman being kissed/hugged by their
partners/husbands/fiancés - whatever. I am not beautiful but I have a clear
skin, good figure, dress trendily and always try to look my best to help
disguise my personality problem. I always thought if one looked good and
thin, they'd have lots of friends; not true.
I can't handle conflict and disagreements with people - it makes me feel I
should withdraw even further and bury my head in the sand. I do work - work
at the BBC, but it's not face to face customer/public work. I have to talk
to people on the phones - which I'm NEVER comfortable with but at least they
can't get to see me or know what I'm like. For years I'd been o.k. with
most people in the office/workplace, but after a while of getting to know
me, they gradually left me alone and/or began to not be very pleasant.
That's another reason why I don't want to be with people. They soon go off
me as a person when they get to know me and I end up getting hurt and
saddened by their behavior.
I am not a happy person; I would say I am constantly suffering from mild
depression - every day seems the same - full of loneliness, anxiety and
thinking negative thoughts; my self-esteem is non-existent and I even try
and keep away from my nephews for fear of them disliking me. I am awkward
even with my twin brother and sister and find it hard to hold an intelligent
conversation with them. The only people I feel comfortable with are my
parents and the dogs I have grown up with. I simply adore our current Boxer
dog - Lulu and love her more than my life is worth. I feel I am not living
a life but just existing from day to day, to earn my money to pay the
bills. I do not have a pressurized job - I could never be a manager or
director because of the responsibilities it would mean in terms of having
people underneath you, to be responsible for. I quite honestly would rather
be dead than have a career like that.
I hide away from my neighbors and keep my head down whenever I am out in
public. I cross the road if there are people approaching me, if I see that
the other side of the pavement is clear of people. I get thoroughly
irritated by the sight of people at times, if I am having a dreadful day and
I also feel acutely aware that most people look at me as I am always on my
own. I don't like overtaking people in the street as I know that they would
probably say something about me behind my back and of course I get the
strong feeling that I'm personally being followed. On bad days I have even
swung round and blatantly told people to "Please do not follow me", when in
fact in reality they are just having to go the same route home or to the
shops as me. I never eat out alone - can't do it; perhaps it's part of the
eating disorder I once had. I feel everyone is constantly watching how I
eat and what I eat.
Right now, I don't feel I want to live but then again, I don't want to die
either - I have my parents and our dog Lulu to live for - but when they go,
I shall be totally lost and existing in an infinite lonely life which seems
to me, to have no end.
I wish I could relate to people and find a connection. I can enjoy people
but only from a distance as a watcher. My flat has never had friends in it
except my parents and/workmen - electrician/plumber/gasman. In deed it is
my shrine, it seems. My safe haven of peace and it is good not to feel
watched once I'm within it's walls.
Thank you for reading this as I don't feel quite so alone now; now that
there are others who have and are suffering the same agony of living with
AvPD.
Next Story
**
Click Here to Read
More Personal Stories **
|
|
|
|
ebooks
