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Name: Sophie
State: Canada
Story:
I've always been the shy and quiet one, but to a normal degree. It started
getting really bad about a year ago.
See, I have ADD (attention deficit disorder), and I think that's where it
all started. Because my parents knew I was real smart and that I could do
better than what i was getting, so they were always behind me, pushing me.
Saying things like 'you're just being lazy' or 'you forgot on purpose',
which is stupid cause forgetting is accidental. So I often got into trouble.
I don't blame them. They did what they thought was best. Unfortunately, my
dad has a temper and he uses intimidation and fear tactics. I got yelled at
a lot. Or he stared me down with a scary look. I was afraid of him. I mean,
come on, I was a kid. So, to avoid another confrontation, or at least to
shorten it, I just said what they wanted to hear. I bottled everything up,
started to build a protective shell around myself. I got really quiet and
withdrawn. That started when i was in fifth grade. I'd also started eating
my emotions, so I got fat. Which only added to my insecurities. I felt
stupid and worthless, then i also felt fat and ugly. Adding fuel to the fire
of self-loathing. When I was thirteen, I started with the fantasizing. As
far as I can remember, it started not long after i went to a school dance.
My friends and I were up on a table dancing, and they turned to me and said
I should be embarrassed, cause i couldn't dance. As far as I can tell, they
meant it only as a joke, not to be mean. But I lost my smile, sat down and
eventually started crying.
Anyway, the best way I can describe how I do my fantasizing is this; like
being in a play, but I do all the characters and I'm the only spectator.
Sort of like day-dreaming out loud. Say I imagine myself at a party, I'll
drink my glass of milk and pretend it's a drink. I'll say my part, then I'll
say theirs. like rehearsing alone or something. I'll change the stance, the
pitch and tone of voice, add accents... I don't know if others do the same
thing, or if it's exclusively in their heads. I'm not delusional. I know
it's not real. But I've been caught talking to myself by co-workers. Talk
about awkward.
When I was almost fourteen, I started hurting myself. After secondary three
(9th grade), my parents took me out of private school, cause they were tired
of paying 3 000 a year for me to do nothing (what's the point if i get bad
results anyway?). So I lost touch with my friends. The first year at the new
school, I spent a lot of it alone. The group of friends I was with were the
friends of an old friend of mine, from grade school. So friends by
association. But it was a big group, and I never felt comfortable. So I
walked in the little wooded area in the back of the school, or I'd be in the
library. Or with a substitute teacher, Mrs. F. . But I started spending so
much time with her the principal told me to back off. The next year (the
last year of school, too), things went better. I finally got diagnosed with
ADD, I got meds, I did better in school. My old friend and I didn't hand
with the big group anymore. We were with two other girls, so it was just the
four of us. I felt much more comfortable around them. I spent most of my
time with them, or with some other people that I became friends with that
year. And I got a consult with a therapist, but that didn't work out. After
a while, because I never said much and she always had to fish, she gave up.
She gave me two months off where I was to decided if I wanted to continue or
not. The minute she said that, I already knew I didn't. It wasn't working.
But I didn't think anything of it. I just figured I'd take care of it on my
own.
Things were looking good, and after high school, I got a job. I made more
friends, socialized more, went out with them. Everything doing good, right?
Wrong. Because I went out with friends, but I started feeling uncomfortable.
Awkward. Out of place. Before that, my silence never really bothered me.
Well, it did then. I felt bad for being so quiet, and forcing them to make
all the conversation. And I always shut down. I don't say much, or do much.
I'm boring. I'm nineteen and I've never had a boyfriend, because I'm fat and
ugly and boring. I have friends at work, but we mostly only see each other
at work. Outside work, I never feel comfortable. I feel like there's
something missing. Like the connection doesn't go all the way. I can be
surrounded by friends and feel out of place. It's like there's this huge
glass wall between me and the world and I keep smacking into it. I feel so
goddamn lonely. I can't allow myself to think about it too much, because I
can't take it. I get all depressed and end up hurting myself. Being around
people is exhausting. Even with my best friend, I can never fully relax. I'm
always watching every slight flicker of expression, every shift in body
language. Always so careful of everything I say or do, always checking to
make sure the way I'm sitting doesn't make me look disgusting... I can't
even bring myself to hug my friends. They have to come to me. Cause I'm
never sure if the gesture would be well-received or not. They have to call
me, because I don't want to bother them. We do what they want, because I
don't want them to be bored. When I'm with them, I can never just relax and
enjoy myself. It's always marred by me always trying to find something to
say, beating myself up about it, or if I say a joke that's not funny... I
just feel so stupid and worthless all the time. I don't know what the hell
they see in me.
Then, a couple of months ago, I stumbled onto the definition of APD while
searching for something else. As I read the symptoms, I had tears in my
eyes. Everything was spot on.
I have a doctor's appointment soon, and I'm going to ask for a consult.
Cause I can't keep living like this.
That's my story. It felt good to say it.
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