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Name: Holly Madera
State: CA
Story:
This is VERY hard for me. My defenses are 52 years in the making. I don't
know if I can be as eloquent as those who posted before me who brought me to
tears and made me feel the need to post my story.
I feel crippled. I feel that without writing for months even years I can't
explain my pain. I feel that I'm undeserving of any sympathy as I'm very
successful and make lots of money and I can take care of my family and
that's that!
I am a single divorced mom with three kids, two young adult and very
terrifically wonderful in every way, I am proud beyond words, they are not
only physically beautiful, they are angels at their core, they are very
social and emotionally healthy; my youngest is profoundly disabled and
autistic but in many ways much more socially able than me.
I am the oldest of 6, my earliest memories are of being left alone,
hungering and seeking contact and NOT being protected. My mom was unable to
care for us, tried and failed, was verbally abusive or non-existent,
depending on whether she was drunk or sober. My dad was out being the
breadwinner and he was very good at it $$$. He disconnected from our family
unit and connected to his childhood unit and maintained his closest contacts
to this day with his sisters. I could go on and on but I'm not prepared to
do that.
I "think" I'm perceived as successful and "in control", I'm not.
I was in my time very attractive, but actively made myself as unattractive
as possible because I didn't know how to handle a relationship.
I have no problem with public speaking or working discussions or meetings, I
am at my best. if there's a social mixer after, I disappear.
I want to be social, I want to make friends and have friends who consider me
an important part of their life.
Story, I turned 50, my sisters wanted to have a party and invite my
friends. I couldn't think of any, although the reality is there are a lot
of people who like me...friends. The things that are the most important in
my life are those I can't find a way to attain. I couldn't think of anyone
close enough to invite. My sisters persisted and sent invites. two came.
Thankfully I have a large family or the humiliation.....
it's so much easier to be "self-sufficient"
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