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Name: baldy
State: CA, USA
Story:
Where to begin? I'm not sure I can add more to what's already been said
here, but maybe the telling is for the teller not the reader. If you get
something out of my experiences, then good for you and I am glad I could
help. If not, then at least I hope I kept you amused for a while.......
I am a 45ish male from California. I am the child of a strict and stern
father. He did the best he could but I suspect it was his harshness and
non-approving nature combined with my ultra-sensitive personality that
resulted in my avoidant issues.
I was a shy kid. I hated speaking up in class and I dreaded getting called
on. The few memories I have of speaking up were met with heckling, snide
remarks, and the teacher making it even more painful by prefacing my
statements with "let’s all listen to "B" as he's never spoken up before".
God, I feel a twinge of stupidity even now.
If class and school were bad, dating was a nightmare. In the beginning, I
would get up the nerve to ask a girl out or to a dance. But these dates
would always end with my inability to perform any intimate action. It’s
like I raced the entire race and then couldn’t cross the finish line. I
have many stories and they all hurt to think on them. My inability to kiss
the girl as she stands there waiting for me, wanting me. My cowardice at
not holding hands. My fear and subsequent non response to a sexual
situation. I can call up each failed incident as if they are a movie in my
head. I can see them all as clear as day and they all still hurt.
I remember when I was 18 and writing down my New Year's Resolution (there
was only one) - "Jump In". As in jump in to life. Stop always being the
observer. Be the do-er. Go after my high school crush - tell her my
feelings, thoughts, desires. I knew she wanted and liked me. But I could
not. I did not. That fear again. I didn't know why then but I do now.
Fear of rejection. Fear of being made fun of.
As others have said, sometimes being an avoidant means trying to make
everyone like you. As a result, I am the perpetual nice guy. I have
learned to speak to a group and have become successful in business.
Although, I can tell when my anxiety kicks in. I start to shake and shiver
- like when you're really cold. I used to think I was just cold from being
nervous but now I know better. To this day, I get the shakes sometimes just
talking to a single person - if the conversation strays too far into me
sharing my thoughts or I get the feeling we're bonding.
Even though I am liked (of course!) at work, I dread after-work functions.
I am comfortable with the work environment - everyone has a role and each
role has a box with a thick line around it. But at a party or after-work
function where the roles are loosened - I always make an excuse to leave
early or not even show up.
I perform music in front of very large crowds. But I do not sing or talk
into a mic. It’s a running joke with the other band members but I will not
speak into a mic. I feel safe behind my instrument. And I hate the down
time between performances – the loosened roles again.
I am married and have three kids. My selection of a wife was one who didn't
have high expectations or drive with regards to sex. She knows nothing of
my avoidant issues. Well, that's not true. I believe her own issues have
caused her to be drawn to a male with certain personality traits. Much
couch time could be spent there. I suppose we are a good match.
But I still want, desire and dream of an intimate relationship with a female
- one of passion; one of heat; one of deep feelings. So, regrettably, I
started an affair. And I tried to be different with her. I told her
everything - all my failures, all my fears, everything. I shared more with
her than everyone else combined. But when we tried to consummate our
relationship, I couldn't perform. Many attempts. All failures. It’s like
I was back in high school again. She eventually broke it off. Her last
comment was that I didn't share enough of myself with her. The irony.
Honestly, I don't think there is a cure. This is who I am. I suppose I
could do the drug thing and lesson the anxiety peaks, but the central
feeling of not being worthy - that, a drug can't cure. For whatever reason,
I was stamped with this burden and I will carry it to my grave.
I have given up on ever experiencing the physical desires I have in my head
and heart. I will concentrate on making my kids healthy little people and
making my wife happy.
My dad once said my mom had the sacrifice gene - that she would put her
wants and desires behind everyone else's. He then said I have that same
gene. Looking back now, I wonder if my mom had a bit of avoidance in her.
Interesting. Never thought of that.
Ok, enough of my rambling. Not sure if my experiences can help you or not.
As I've said, I believe this is a lifelong burden. But I've found my music
and my kids let me out from under the burden - at least for a short time.
So, I am thankful for that. Maybe there is something in your life that can
let you out from your burden – for a time. Your goal should be to find it.
If you are here, then you are in pain and I am sorry. I wish I could take
the pain away. And the memories. For me, they are one in the same.
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