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Name: Iwan
State: Estonia
Story:
Im 29, have a law degree, pretty nice car (self image) and quite adequate
social position. However, for about 3-4 years I have found myself to be
unable to reach normal human contact in romantic relationships. I thought
this to be an extreme case of shyness, but I dont really think this is the
case. Im in fact not shy or anxious in work related areas, or at least I
dont feel it to be so. I can also perform publicly and I dont really worry
about making some clumsy mistakes in front of people.
I am usually quite witty with people, or if, in fact, I want to be. However,
I discovered I had a huge anxiety in making the first contact in nightclubs
with women I found attractive. I was always under impression that I dont
really have a chance because of my looks, or what I talk or in fact, what I
wore or what car I had.
Since this went on for several years, I started to think and analyze the
problem until I found the APD link in wikipedia. I must admit that it is
comforting to know, that there is an actual kind of romantic "disorder" for
us, but it doesent really help the light and medium size cases in therapy
and recovery.
I can trace back my insecurity to my childhood where I was not athletic
(still- I wasnt and am not obese) and I used to watch too much TV (allthough
I must actually say that watching TV has widened my knowledge of the world).
I was always told by my father, that I was unattractive to women and would
never be able to create any interest in the opposite sex. Slowly and being a
bit outcast (voluntarily, of course) in school aswell, I started to believe
this and this has led me to believe, that there is no reason, why social
romantical first contacts, I make, should be successful. Therefore, not
liking the pain of first contact rejection, I make the classical APD choice
of not making the contact.
All my relationships have started from women instigating the first contact
and me being extra careful of having a back door of declaring no serious
interest. Quite pathetic really, isnt it?
I also have a twist of believeing that I am about 2 % smarter than average
person and therefore I have a tendency to act hurtfully or arrogantly to
total strangers by insulting them on trivial cases like choosing a wrong
button in an elevator or making bored faces on total strangers in different
situations (for example ATM lines) etc.
I have grown to believe, that APD is not actually related to a persons
looks. But I do believe, that APD can generate a certain aura that may act
almost like an ensyme for other people and keep them in a distance. Which is
bad and doesent really help.
Thats the story.
Is there a real point to this story? Not really. Ending? A happy ending? We
are all probably hoping.
Over and out.
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