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Name: Ina
State: CA
Story:
I am a 24 year old woman living in California. Lately I find myself more and
more reclusive, avoidant and dependent (I push away and hold on tight at the
same time). I don't know if it will get any better. For something to get
better... you must WANT it to. I really don't think I do.
I don't like being around people, but not because I don't like them or I
dislike the world. I've met so many great people whom I have affection for.
Honestly, it's because it's easier to deal with life when you don't have to
worry about anyone else but yourself. Sometimes I think I'm selfish, and
maybe I am. All I know is that I'd rather be alone than be judged or looked
upon too closely. I don't have a hard time talking to people, and those who
know me would say I wasn't a shy person. But once any relationship gets to a
point where a person may want to spend time with me or get to know me
better, I back off. I tend to cling to one person at a time, usually a
boyfriend. That person gets all of my attention and knows everything about
me. Everyone else gets shut out, ignored. I lie a lot to live this life of
avoidance... I tell people I will call them, but I don't and turn my phone
off. I tell them I will hang out with them, but I never do, I make up
stories about my life and things I do on the weekends. Really, I'm at home
doing nothing, feeling safe. I would just rather be by myself because that
way I won't be critiqued. It's ironic though, because I'm my own biggest
critic. You do not know how many lovely people I have shoved away from my
life... they are countless and I wish they knew that I'm really not a
cold-hearted person, just a sick one.
Although I like to be alone at home, being in the outside world is
different. Taking the bus alone is torture (I have to do it almost daily),
waiting for someone feels like an eternity. I feel safe at home, at work,
and with someone I know well. Otherwise my anxiety level is extremely high.
I love sunny days, the bustle of the city, and scenic views but
unfortunately I can't really experience those things often because I won't
venture out on my own. Something deep inside me wants to travel the world
(I've always loved learning about other cultures), but I really don't know
if it's possible. Even my boss is trying to help to get to Europe, but I
don't have the heart to tell her that my disorder may not let me. If I go,
who will come with me? I don't have friends. When I get there, will I even
be able to roam about? I'll probably shut myself in the hotel and look at
the view from my window.
I'm not a normal young person and I know it. I don't like to party, and not
because I don't like to have fun, but because it involves people I don't
know. I refuse to be in situations where I may not be liked. I fear I am
ugly, boring, ditsy, and pathetic. When I am pushed into these kinds of
scenarios I put on a brave face (I am a great actress at this point), but
really I'm nervous and my mind doesn't stop racing. I am so self-conscious
about everything. So much so that when I pass by people who may be laughing,
it always pops into my head that they are laughing about ME. Is it what I'm
wearing or my facial expression? I feel like bursting into tears, but for
all I know they were just laughing about a joke one of them told.
The one person that I trust is my boyfriend (I only truly trust one person
at a time, remember). But sadly, I keep a certain amount of intimate
distance from him as well. He is incredibly patient with me, but sadly I
think we are co-dependent. He is extremely well rounded and the opposite of
avoidant, but we've been together so long I'm afraid he doesn't even know
what normal relationships should be like. I fear he will find out what a
disgrace we are and leave. Then I really will be alone, and that's what I
think I deserve.
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