If you would like to publish your
story or experiences about being an avoidant person suffering with social
anxieties, Click here.
**
Click Here to Read More
Personal Stories **
*******************************************************************************
Name: Tina
State: USA
Date: Tuesday October 30, 2007
Time: 08:59:54 PM -0600
Story:
I can't remember exactly when or how it started, but I knew I was very
different from anyone else around me starting at a very young age. I had
never felt totally relaxed unless I was alone. I had been labeled as weird,
aloof, uncaring, slow, and stupid, but I was also occasionally praised for
what was perceived by some as being very "independent." That is, I have
been complimented about my ability to go out and do things alone, and for
the fact that I have taken care of myself for my entire adult life. The
truth is, while I do like a lot of the alone time, and I had always felt
most relaxed when I was alone, I longed to have someone good in my life, as
I'm sure we all do. I had suffered through a parade of bad relationships. I
either wound up with complete losers because I didn't think I could get any
better, or my own inability to open up would cost me a potentially good
relationship. It is true that we with avoidant personalities really do long
for these relationships, but what often happens is that people who enter our
lives make many fast judgments or jump to many false conclusions about us,
i.e., that we don't want to talk, don't care. I was once referred to as a
young child in school as being slow and/or retarded, as if how much someone
talks is directly linked to level of intelligence...far from it.
School, for the large part, was a living hell. I had oily hair, oily skin,
and I started getting acne at the age of 9. I'm sure these things just
compounded the problem even more. And it didn't end there. Of course, I had
an older brother who jumped on the teasing bandwagon about my acne, hair,
and how I filled out after I began puberty. Many members of my family
believed that having acne was the result of poor hygiene, and my own father
would make me stand in the kitchen while he would squeeze my pimples, and
ask me if I was asked by people at school if I washed. Now I'm not trying
to bad-mouth my father. I know that my family did what they thought was
best and always had my best interest at heart. I think that, like many
others, they were simply misunderstanding what my problems were. College was
a little better. But while I looked much better, there began the string of
bad relationships, and I did spend much of that time very isolated,
depressed, and unable to express my feelings.
I myself wasn't aware until very recent years that there was even such a
thing called avoidant personality disorder. I believe the most frustrating
part of having avoidant personality is how much I've been misunderstood by
so many people. And my avoidant personality, in turn, made me unable to
communicate to these people how they were misunderstanding me.
One of the things that has given me the most self-fullfillment through my
younger years was participating in school choirs, high school/college
theater, and later, community theater. It wasn't so much that I had an
opportunity to pretend to be someone else, but in giving live performances
(particularly when I sang in the choir, at nursing homes, for instance), I
was able to see the direct impact of what I was doing for people. They
showed such joy on their faces, you would have thought they were just handed
a million dollars. It was truly heartwarming. It's strange how this could
come so easily for me, while I would rather die than sit in a group in some
informal setting and participate in plain everyday conversation. During
these situations, my heart would actually beat faster, and I felt like I was
hoarding a million butterflies inside. On the other hand, I've learned that
many performers have similar problems, and have a very difficult time with
the celebrity lifestyle because they are such private people.
I'm not sure if I had always had depression in addition to this or the
depression was a direct result of the loneliness and inadequacy caused by my
avoidant personality, but about 7 years ago, I began antidepressant
medication. While it has helped me tremendously with depression symptoms
and my nervousness while in the presence of others, the anxiety I feel in
the presence of others in a public or group setting is something that I
still continue to struggle with.
I've often dreamed of writing a book, particularly about my life's struggles
with depression, avoidant personality, and social anxiety and the impacts
that they have had on my life and the decisions I've made. I once thought
what is so extraordinary about MY life? But maybe the extraordinary thing
would be the fact that I am SHARING this story, as I suspect avoidant
personality disorder symptoms prevent so many avoidant personalities from
bringing themselves to write their stories in the first place. I believe if
one person could identify with one effect or one story out of one page, it
would surely be worth it. I know how much it has helped me finding this
website and reading others' stories.
So that's me. I'm happy to say that things have gotten much better in my
life. The relationship with my family had greatly improved. I am finally
with someone who truly cares for me without judgment. Living with avoidant
personality is truly tough enough without, on top of that, spending your
life with someone who will not at least be supportive of you, even if they
can't truly relate to or have a full understanding of what you're going
through. I have a beautiful daughter who will be 2 years old next month. I
still prefer jobs where I don't have too much contact with others. I
suspect I'll never enjoy customer service type jobs. And working from home
saves us a small fortune on daycare. I am in a bowling league, which gets
me out of the house once a week and the opportunity to socialize a bit. And
I've maintained some close friendships with some wonderful people through
previous jobs.
Thanks for letting me share a little bit about myself here. I will share
more as I try my best to publish a book. I think it would be therapeutic for
me as well to do this. I figure the more of us who can share our stories,
the less alone we will eventually all feel. God bless all of you, hang in
there, and take good care of yourselves. We all truly deserve it.
Next Story
**
Click Here to Read
More Personal Stories **
|