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Name: Array
State: Michigan
Date: Sunday October 14, 2007
Time: 12:14:09 PM -0500
Story:
I think it will be best if I describe my current symptoms, as the disorder
is wreaking more havoc with my life now than ever before. Certainly, I also
know what is going on now best.
I will offer the minimum necessary background information, however. I am a
32-year-old single man. While I live alone, I am essentially supported by my
family. Two and a half years ago, I was forced to leave graduate school
because of inadequate performance caused by inadequate effort. In other
words, I did not complete substantial amounts of work and often did not show
up for work. Since that time, I have indulged my main hobby (which will
remain un-divulged so I can remain anonymous) and thought about parlaying it
into a career, but haven't taken any real action, yes, for the symptomatic
reasons. I could dress up my fears in more grandiose language, but the truth
is that I don't want to get rejected, and everything doesn't seem completely
right with my candidacy for a hobby-specific job.
That all seems a bit vague, though, so perhaps my day-to-day routine will
give you a clearer sense of my problem. I often eat fast food. I vary the
place that I go to, so I won't be recognized, and so that no one will
comment that they see me a lot. Eating at the same place time after time,
and eating fast food regularly, carries a stigma. When someone noted my
habitual presence at one of the places a few weeks ago, I reacted by
boycotting the place, even though it was my favorite. A couple of days ago,
I inconvienced myself and went a couple of towns over to find a fast food
joint where I could be anonymous.
I don't go to the gym anymore, because I don't want anyone to remark upon my
weight gain since the last time the person has seen me. I wasn't too keen
about going to the gym even when I was in shape, because someone might have
have spoken to me. Ordinarily, that would have been fine, maybe even
enjoyable, but I dread the question of, "What do you do?"
I use my joblessness as an excuse not to have any relationships. My
grandparents are in their 90s, and yet I do not reach out to them despite
serious guilt, because I don't want to have a conversation "about me." It's
not like they are judgmental and insensitive, either. They understand my
non-work is a sensitive issue and wouldn't press it, but even a mention
means failure to me. I could not have an open discussion about my
joblessness, and the quite exculpatory reasons for it, in my mind. I think
the reasons would be looked upon as idiosyncratic.
I cannot open up to my parents, either, not really, even though they are the
kindest and most tolerant people in the world. Sex and relationships are
completely off limits as topics. They do infantilize me, I will say that,
and always have. I read about that in the AvPD literature. I'm not sure to
what extent it's my fault that they do that, or theirs.
Oh my goodness, so much more. I had friends in college (went to college at
the normal 19-22 age), and some afterwards. I zealously maintained the
college friendships for five years afterwards. They often didn't feel
natural or comfortable, but I maintained them. In the last two-and-a-half
years, I have worked hard to cast aside the friendships. I parlayed some
unreturned calls and assumed subsequent embarrassment as the reason for
dropping the friendships, but in reality I cut off all contact because I
found life easier that way. No one would judge my life anymore. I think my
decision not to have a job for a while, and a desire not to be accountable
for that, was part of why I dropped the friendships, but that wasn't
specifically in my mind, as it is as my rationalization for not meeting
strangers or talking to my grandparents. My friendships did not revolve much
around my professional success, so I could have passed myself off as an
underachieving eccentric, however unpleasant that would have been. I have to
say that I feel that I quite like not having friends, at least much of the
time.
I don't have romantic relationships, either, and ten years ago I wouldn't
have believed that that wouldn't bother me. But I feel pretty numb even to
sexual desire. I always suffered from the classic AvPD difficulty of asking
people out, and never had many relationships, but I did at least regret it.
One place where I don't feel very AvPD is in self-esteem. I think
discrepancies with the classic diagnosis is important to share with people;
after all, you needn't have every symptom to qualify. I think I have high
self-esteem, but everyone is always telling me that I have very low
self-esteem. Apparently, I project myself as having low self-esteem. I think
I'm just being honest, but you probably agree with everyone, reading my
piece here. My low self-esteem is relegated to the idea that I usually don't
see myself amounting to much. I feel talented, but I don't think I will
amount to much. I feel like lots of things that are open to other people,
like career success and recognition and pretty girls, aren't open to me, not
for any good reason, but just that I'm not worthy of such good luck. I feel
that I will shoot myself in the back, i.e, self destruct, before those
things happen.
I can get away with not having friends. I'm probably lying to myself, but
that's the way I feel. So, if you asked me what was the overarching regret
of my life, or the thing I would change, it would be that I wish I wasn't a
procrastinator, as that has destroyed professional prospects. I take
procrastination to levels unimaginable. I procrastinate everything,
including taking a shower. I used to even procrastinate going to the
bathroom. Whatever I feel like I should do, I want to do something else.
That is how I flunked out of graduate school. I always had a terrible time
with school because of procrastination. I wouldn't even mention that here,
but I read that escapism is a symptom of AvPD.
What I don't understand is why I try to escape from things that don't seem
remotely social, unless it is because I see mundane everyday things as
social in the sense that they are part of a respectable life. My great shame
is that I don't lead a respectable life.
I am affectedly a zombie, outwardly. When I do show emotion, it is often
inappropriate, like laughing at bad news. I was a groomsman at a friend's
wedding, but my face was frozen in a terrible scowl the whole time, try as I
did to smile. I'm non-verbally challenged and have Non Verbal Learning
Disorder, in addition to AvPD.
How did I get to a place of such dysfunction? Well, I was considered
extremely shy, particularly at nursery school age. In my elementary school,
though, I was actually a big success academically and athletically. I also
had some friendships and many acquaintances, but they were not on honest
footing. I was a secretive child, image conscious, and didn't share my true
self.
My AvPD problems became more manifest when I moved to a different school in
high school. I was a late developer physically. People literally wouldn't
believe I was telling the truth when I told them my age when I was 18. At
the beginning of ninth grade, my voice hadn't changed, and my hygiene also
regrettably wasn't good. I was ashamed of those deficiencies, and used them
as excuses to avoid my peers. My classmates stood at the bus stop, I stood
15 yards away; they used one path walking to class, I used another. I felt
like I wasn't worthy of their company. How could a pre-pubescent presume to
hobnob with the big kids, was my thinking. I do see the similarity that I
used the lack of physical maturity and poor hygiene as excuses for inaction,
just as I do my unemployment now.
The weird thing, though, is that it isn't always something with me. I can
get to a point where I consider myself acceptable enough to socialize. I
fixed the hygiene issue, and went for it socially in college. Oh, it was
hard. I had hardly any practice at talking to young adults. I had no
experiences to talk about. But I took refuge in the fact that the people I
was with knew nothing about me, and that I was starting over.
One thing I notice is that I crave new beginnings. Right now, that it what I
am thinking. I need a new city, a new health club, etc.
Anyway, My social transformation in college was a remarkable success. I
simply forced myself to be friendly and approach people. Today, I have the
skills to do that; I just have decided it isn't a good idea.
One final manifestation I didn't include anywhere, but I think is kind of
neat. In the days of personal letters, I wouldn't open them, if I was on
edge about what I had written previously and what the response was going to
be. I often wouldn't look at my professors' comments on my papers. It is, in
fact, sharing that very habit that prompted someone on a message board to
contemplate whether I had AvPD. Looking at the diagnostic criteria, I
realized it was a match.
I am self diagnosed and recently diagnosed. I do hope that doesn't
disqualify me from posting here. I've been in therapy for quite a few
sessions before, without the counselors landing on AvPD. I believe that
therapy fundamentally does nothing, that one needs to progress alone, and
that with self-knowledge, that is possible. I understand this is a minority
position (although possibly not a minority position among those with AvPD!),
and I do not wish to impose it upon those that have turned around their
lives with the aid of therapy and/or medication. I do feel that I will be
writing much more from a position of strength in several months, whatever I
decide to do with regard to monitoring/treatment. Diagnosis and realization
are invaluable, and I have gotten to that point.
Thank you for reading. It's been a pleasure sharing.
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