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Personal Stories **
I've always known there is something "wrong" with me. I'm closing in on 40
and for most of my life, I've spent my time being "introspective". Basically
just an excuse for not becoming involved with people.
In the last several years, I found a relationship and got married and
thought I was happy. But my issues are starting to have an effect on my
marriage. Starting to have an effect on my job as well. There are just
certain things I can't bring myself to do even though I know I need to. It's
irrational and I knew something was wrong, but I never knew what. So I
started to look for a reason and here I am. I fit all 7 indicators and as I
was reading through all the stories I recognized myself and more.
For so long I've not been able to make myself care about anything and
wondered what was wrong with me. I've struggled with weight problems all my
life, was bullied as a child, picked on by my brother, all the stuff that
seem to be common themes among us.
I tried many times in my life to reach out to people that I felt a
connection with and I was rejected and I did not deal with that rejection
well. The first time I was truly in love, I was rejected very painfully,
after believing that here was someone that truly got me. It sent me into a
depression of about 2 and a half years during which I failed out of school.
All the times I've been rejected in a relationship, I think it's because I
have such a deep emotional need to be accepted that it turns people off. And
every time I've been rejected, it's been after a long time of not trying
again because it's too painful. And then I slowly find someone who I think
gets me and it happens all over again.
And every time I'm going through a rejection, whenever I go out in public,
I just feel like everyone can see right through me and is laughing at me for
being so pathetic. I've never been able to walk through a public place ever
without thinking that everyone was looking at me in a critical way. Anytime
there's a group of kids laughing, my mind always assumes they're laughing at
me. Same with any social gathering. My wife just assumes that I'm shy and
thinks dragging me along to these things is good for me, but I usually wind
up spending the whole time feeling so uncomfortable I just want it to end.
I'm so paralyzed by this and I didn't even know what I had until now. The
thing is, I'm not sure if it's too late or not. I've always felt like I'm
smart and if I could just figure out what it was I had I could get over it.
I feel so terrible for saying it, but I feel like I can't make myself care
anymore. I eat poorly because I don't care about my health. I want to, I
just can't. I love my wife, I just feel like I'm on borrowed time until she
realizes what a screwed up mess I am and leaves me for being too needy and
I still play back humiliations in my head from years ago that are so
inconsequential but I can't let go of them. It keeps me from doing things.
Even from being a lover to my wife because I'm afraid she won't like what
I'm doing because I'm so inexperienced. I'm so screwed up in so many ways it
feels hopeless but I can't make myself care enough about it to fix it.
Anyway, now that I know what I have, that's the first step right? I'm
hoping that knowing what I have now will make it so that I won't avoid it
and hope it goes away like i have most of my life with everything. It feels
like such a catch 22.
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