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Introduction

Thoughts about APD

I think avoidants experience less anxiety than we could if we were open (in the beginning, anyway). Sure lots of anxiety exists in our lives, but we avoid the really bad situations, because the anxiety would then become completely paralyzing. The way I see it, we were born with a brain that was very, very sensitive to impulses we get in social situations. Then that little child that were us, back then got so frightened and so scared, that he/she decided to build up a defense system against these terrible feelings, in order to protects him/herself. This was not a conscious act, and we could not predict the consequences back then. We just instinctively knew, that we has to do something about the situation. We knew, we had to protect our self from harm. So we formed our personality in such a way, that we could avoid the harm. We did this to the best of our ability. But we were kids. We build our defense system such that it would protect us in a child's world (where other kids really are out to get you, it's a frightening and violent world). And in that situation, it sort of worked. But then we grew up and became teenagers. We should have stopped right there and have build another defense system, but we we pretty much outcast at that time and could not follow the social development of our peers. And then we just stuck with our old defense system. But instead of protecting us, it started to harm us. Because we could not be a part of social life, and we needed to be (all humans do). Then we go on, live as outcast and convince ourselves that is is the best thing to do. Until suddenly, something happens that we can't deal with. Something that causes so much pain, that we do realize that there's something completely wrong with us, and that we must do something about it. Then there is a long period where things get worse because we're to afraid to seek counseling (what if we had to let down our defenses and not be able to protect ourselves?). But in the end, we do it. And then we start in treatment, maybe also medical treatment, and then we understand much better. There is much anxiety in our lives, because we're protecting ourselves in the wrong way and focus so much on avoiding potentially dangerous situations, that we have no energy for other things. It's always there, in all situations in our lives.

I think the most important thing is to forgive that little girl/boy that got so scared and started building the defenses. I understand the little girl in me who did it. I understand she couldn't face the pain. And I forgive her. But know I'm grown up, and I need to do the things that are right for me now, not the things that were right for that little girl.

I have a very good memory and can remember painful situations from before age 2. Not all social related, of course. When I was 3 or 4 the fear of being criticized and rejected started. I think that all avoidants had good memories because remembering potentially dangerous situations is a part of the defense system. The thoughts about being different from everyone else started when I started in school at age 5-6 (but these were some glimpses of these thoughts even before then). The whole thing just exploded when I was 9 and we moved to another city where I didn't know anybody. From then on, I was pretty much alone until I made a friend a couple of years into my college education.

Growing up, I denied to myself that I had feelings. I tried to ignore all of them. A person without feelings, can't get hurt, right? Wrong! I was living behind a wall, in my own world. When I look back I realize that all my thoughts and actions were controlled by my malfunctioning personality. Nothing I thought or felt back then about other people is valid or just. I actually thought that most people wanted to 'figure me out', find me innermost secrets, expose them and ridicule me and take pleasure from the process. It causes great pain to shut of your feelings like that, because it's not just the bad feelings (the anxiety) but the good feelings also (the ability to feel and express love/friendship/ect. for someone else). The isolation is bad, but it's not as bad as the anxiety (in the beginning, at least).

I have this picture in my head that I have sort of an 'elevator system' for my feelings. This is just an analogy, of course, but I feel that in the past, every time I had a strong feeling it was immediately put in an elevator and sent deep down in some dark warehouse and stored before I had any chance to feel it at all. Like it was gone before it could have a chance to really hurt me and make me feel sad, or a chance to make me happy and feel good. That means that I am (was) seemingly not upset by my feelings. When I was in the 8th grade I was teased a lot by some of the 10th graders. It was extremely unpleasant for me, and I was so scared of them, and thought all the time about what they would say when I passed them in the halls, or if they would stick their legs out and try to trip me or throw a snowball at me when I turned my back (in the winter). But I totally ignored them, kept my eyes to the ground and just went through it, never looking at them. Then in 9th (when the 10th graders had graduated and left the school) one of my classmates mentioned that he really admired me for not being affected by their teasing at all, and for always ignoring them. I was happy because he said this to me, but of course, I knew he was completely wrong. There was simply nothing else to do for me. Breaking down or showing any kind of emotion would be much more difficult for me than ignoring them. I was very much affected by them teasing me and telling me I was ugly (they did). I was an 8th grader, 15 years old and when guys from 10th grade tell you at that age, that you are ugly, it hurts big time.

I used to this that I was different because I was more intelligent that everyone else (I am more intelligent than most people). I used to think that since I was so smart and got very good grades, there couldn't be anything wrong with me. And my teachers and parents were also mislead by my good performances in school. So I avoided being 'found out' in this way.

Thoughts about therapy and medical treatment

My psychiatrist have not diagnosed me with APD, I'm self-diagnosed My psychiatrist does not like to diagnose people. He has acknowledged that I have all the features of an avoidant personality, he just thinks the definition is much to simplistic to describe a personality, which has so many other features. I see his point of view, but I feel more comfortable with having a diagnosis, and since it is not doing me any harm, I'm keeping the description since it fits so well in all it's simplicity :-)

Anyway, I couldn't write this without my SSRI's (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor, a form of medication that is an anti-depressant and decreases anxiety a lot). Before I got on SSRI's I was too scared to write in about myself (and as you might have noticed, I really have a tendency to keep a distance to what I'm writing). I was scared, that someone would track me down and figure me out, and somehow use the information to hurt me. I've always thought that people could look right trough me, and that they would enjoy harming me, if they figured me out. Therefore, I have my defense system of keeping my feelings to myself. But I'm letting go of it now. It's hard work but therapy and my Internet APD friends have helped me come a long way.

The SSRI's have really helped me a lot. When I first started taking them and had gone through the initial side effects it was like a revelation to me: to live without the constant anxiety. An example: I was in a video store and wondered when a certain video would be released. And then I just went and asked the store clerk. I would never had done that with such ease before the SSRI's. A while after I'd done it, I stopped and thought 'Hey, this stuff is really working!'. It felt great. I still don't go out to party on weekends, and I probably never will. But just being able to do the little things is great.

A pill, even SSRI's, cannot change the core of my APD. That will always be there. However, I can work with my reactions. For instance, I feel great empathy for others, but I have often wasted it on people who did not want it, while not showing it enough to the people I really love. I have spent so many feelings on strangers, wondering if they liked me and what I needed to do to get them to like me, that I didn't have many left for the people I truly love, my friends and my family. I have learned to express my feelings towards those I love much more intensely now, and I have learned not to care much about what strangers think. So I am using my feelings in a positive way instead of a negative. APD will never go away entirely, no matter how much treatment I get and no matter how many pills I take. It will always be there. I can never be normal. But I can be happy. And that's the important thing, I think.

My psychiatrist has told me, that my essential problem is that I don't act according to the feelings I have inside. The inside and outside are very different. I think that pretty much sums up what APD is all about, and what I need to do: I need to externally express what is inside of me. I'm working on that, but it's hard work.

I am proud of myself because I have gotten much better than I was before. For instance, I am not paralyzed when someone tries to strike up a conversation with me in the train or in the bus. I answer and smile, I don't really volunteer any topics of conversation, but I don't feel bad about them talking to me. That's progress. I try to notice things like that, when they happen, and I try to count my 'little victories' when I say the right things and don't get nervous when people talk to me and things like that. I might seem pathetic, but it helps. Then when I have an anxiety reaction, I tell myself that it's quite understandable for a person with APD, and I try to remember my victories. So it helps me to know that I'm 'sick', because then I can see my victories as something great (I'm defying nature :-)

Cyberspace have helped me a lot with opening up and coming to terms with my disorder. I have met some really nice people with APD by the way of my postings in newsgroups. They have supported me and helped me in many ways. The most important thing for me is, that I now know that I am not alone with this, and that help is just a click away at all times. I hope to meet more people with APD that writes me because I participate in this website. People with APD can really help each other by the way of e-mail. None of us would want to be in group therapy (groups of people are scary) but newsgroups and an e-mail community can really work the same way. Even though our disorder prevents us from networking, I hope that this homepage will help us build an electronic network. Since it is possible to be completely anonymous on the Internet, we might be able to build a network. I hope so.

Various little strange problems I have

Asking for help in a store is difficult, and I really don't like sales persons who come and ask if I need help. If I bought a product that was defect in some way, I would have a very difficult time complaining about it, and I would probably get someone else to do it for me. I'm okay with shopping if people leave me alone and if I don't have to talk to anyone. I like browsing around as long as I feel that everyone else in the store are ignoring me. I've never really had problems with work, but in my work I have to deal very little with other people if I don't want to, and I can choose to deal only with the people whom I like, and who likes me.

I don't mind restaurants either, but I do mind going to parties and having to mingle. What I've learned is to not expect too much from myself. I don't expect myself to be able to go to parties. If I go and get anxious, I just leave. I say to myself that it is a victory that I showed up anyway. I have also told my close friends about my problems and have hinted to my more casual friends (colleagues and such) that there are things that a difficult for me to do. They usually try to help me as well as they can. I don't feel guilty about saying no to an invitation, even though I'll spend the night alone in front of the TV instead of being with other people. After all, you can't expect the same things from an avoidant as from everybody else. I usually stick to my colleagues (we have a great working environment where I am) and my friends, and avoid situations with many strangers and new people.

I would rather be with a close friend than being alone, but if there is no close friend around, I prefer just being at home doing something. I don't go out much. I guess I'm afraid to try new things. Doing something out of the ordinary daily routine is always associated with a lot of tension for me. I need notice when something out of the ordinary is going to happen, to set my self up mentally. I am definitely not a 'spur of the moment'-type person.

I live with my best friend, and he knows me in and out, and knows that he has to constantly tell me that he likes me and everybody else also likes me. It is very important to me that people around me tell me that I'm okay, and that they like me and appreciate my company because I'm always in doubt about those things.

I'm not okay in most social situations. Not at all. But I have created, let's say, a repertoire of social situations that I can deal with. I'm trying to add more situations to my repertoire, but at my own pace. The important thing is safety, for me. I need to feel safe. I use rituals or cling to friends to make a situation safe. The important thing is, that the friend understands the situation and doesn't mind, otherwise I feel very bad about myself.

It is part of my personality to try to please others so they don't criticize me or reject me in any way. I found out that humor is a great defense. If you make fun of yourself, other are less likely to. I've done that a lot. I also try to be nice to everybody. I think a sense of humor has nothing to do with APD, however those with APD that has a sense of humor (like I) will use it to get people to like him/her. It is a way to reduce anxiety and minimize the chance of getting rejected. I think APD's are all different, but you can bet that they use all talents and gifts they might have to minimize the chance of being rejected or criticized.

I am really picky with food. There are not many foods I like, and I hate tasting new food (can't stand the thought of not liking it). If I do try something new, I feel like gagging or vomiting, even just by smelling the strange food. I could not imagine eating something which smells bad to me (like cheese or fish). Also, I'm not very fond of vegetables (except potatoes, which I love), and usually try to avoid them, if possible. I'm allergic to some of them also. Smells are worst in the morning. If there's 'smelly' food in the fridge, I start gagging. I then have to tell my room mate to throw the food out. I try to avoid strong smells in the morning, since I don't like starting the day by throwing up. I enjoy eating, when I get food I like. But it has to be the same all the time. People often wonder if I don't get bored with eating the same food again and again, but I don't.

The really painful part about this food problem, is other peoples lack of understanding. They say, that one 'should at least taste'. But I just can't. If I'm going somewhere, I always make sure that they will serve food which I can eat. I have at several occasions eaten just plain spaghetti or rice or bread. Usually all the anxiety makes me less hungry, anyway. It feels so painful to ask for special treatment in this respect. I'm sure that people hate me and see me as a nuisance, and think it's a lot of trouble to have me over for supper. A more formal dinner is even worse, they'll put some food on your plate and expect you to eat it, and if you don't touch it, you are being very impolite. You send out a signal that you don't like the food, i.e. that the food is not good enough for you. I guess that's an offense in most cultures. People usually start attacking me at that point. Some are nicer than others, but I have heard the term 'spoiled brat' a few to many times. It is true, when I was a kid my mother didn't serve me food I didn't like, she even made a special supper for me when the rest of the family had something I didn't like. But I think she did it because she instinctively knew about my condition. Mothers have a very good idea what their kids are going through, even though they might not be able to express themselves very well about it. Both most people think that kids to be forced to eat all kinds of food and always finish what is on that place. So my problems usually turns 'political' and people start on a long conversation on how to raise kids, using me as a bad example. I can't stand that, I love my parents and I know in my heart that they both did the best that they could for me and love me very much. How do strangers have the right to call me a spoiled brat and to say that my parents were bad parents? Just because I have a food problem? It always causes so much anxiety to be invited over for dinner at a new place.

My usual technique is to say, that I'm allergic to all the food that I don't like. Somehow, this makes my condition much more acceptable to people. They go out of their way to treat my nicely and to take special care. I never understood why? You have to take care of someone with a physical problem, but someone with a mental problem is fair game. I feel so much more comfortable at a supper/dinner when there is something I like, and I can relax much more (as much as anyone with APD can, I guess). It is my goal, that I will start telling people that I have a mental problem and that I feel great anxiety when I taste new food, so I would feel much more comfortable if they just left me alone about my food habits. I hope that I will be able to do this, because I don't like lying to protect myself.

I talk too much. I guess just keeping a steady stream of chatter is a way to avoid real conversation. If you talk about to world situation and movies and music and tell jokes, you don't get any closer to people. Debating is also a good way to avoid any personal contact. So I've never had fear of public speaking, unless I was giving a presentation or something. It's all part of the defense system.

I have this habit that I imitate the people around me. I can't help it. I talk with exactly the same accent as them and I even imitate their gestures and body language and other mannerisms. Since I really don't like to speak English with a Russian accent when I talk to Russians, I have tried to stop it, and I can't. On the other hand, I don't really want it to stop. It's a very useful talent, mostly. I speak foreign languages fluently. I use it at exams. For my physics exam in 9th grade, my teacher said he thought it was really eerie to see me explain the problem I had been assigned, because I did it using his wording and his gestures. Also, when I practiced for some of my university exams, I had a study-buddy whom I really worked well with. I started remembering the arguments for the exam problems by hearing his voice in my head, using his gestures, feeling his thought patterns, following his reasoning from 'within', so to speak. I became him, to a certain degree. I also find it very useful to be able to sense a line of reasoning by seeing a problem from someone else's perspective. Often when I'm stumped about a problem, I try to call up the 'image' of my teachers and imagine how they would attack the problem, how they would answer, what they would look like, what they would say and how their voices would sound, how they would gesture, and then suddenly the solution to the problem comes to me. It's just a little bit annoying when I start speaking with English with an accent, when I know I can speak it fluently without a trace of an accent. I really don't think people notice what I'm doing. I hardly notice it myself. I do notice it, when someone makes an impression on me, because then the imitating is 'worse' than normal. I think it serves to reduce my anxiety and make me more likeable to others.

I love living in a city, I wouldn't even want to live in a suburb. But I could live at a beach. I guess it has something to do with noise. I like the humming that's associated with living in the city, the sounds of cars and the sounds of people. I guess the ocean makes the same kind of noise. It's comforting. I get the creeps from 'quiet neighborhoods'. I want to live a place where I can feel like I'm a part of a greater whole. I don't know how this relates to my APD, if it does at all, but I've been giving it a lot of thought, since it seems to me, that a lot of people don't like to live in cities, and want to live outside them in suburbs.

Conclusion

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